Alis
"sweet adventurous caring sociable sensitive romantic passionate independent confident"
Hey, guys ♥ Will give you Japanese adult version on my event on Friday ♥ Wishlist items satisfy me ♥ Kisses :*** | Create your free account
Alis
Online since: Dec 06, 2016.
Last time online: May 24, 9:22 AM
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These are cute
Lately I am passionate about weird looking drinking glass :) Get me shape you like ;)
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My Schedule
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Get to know Alis
Alis's tags
sex toy small tits tattoos foot fetish piercings fit tip toy vibrating toy bubble butt bad girl HD
Respect ♥Editor's note
EXCLUSIVE '10 TIMES ALIS' INTERVIEW IS ONLINE! READ HERE!
You’re about to be introduced to a princess named Alis. A modern day example of perfection is who she is. To the average person that might sound like an exaggeration. It might even sound a bit extreme. None of these words will seem extreme in the slightest when you’re staring at her gorgeous body. This is what every guy with a pulse wants. A girl so sexy, they feel butterflies when looking at her. She’s going to make you feel a whole lot more than just butterflies. You’ll also feel something growing in your pants.
Take a nice look long at the beauty on your screen. There’s no need to rush this in the slightest. Not when she has a body that your eyes will love to absorb. Enjoy those fantastic tits of hers. Those legs are yours to enjoy as well. There’s nothing on her body that isn’t for you to enjoy. Everything is meant for your eyes. You can ensure that only you see her by taking this cutie into private. That’s where greedy guys go to make sure they don’t have to share her with anyone.
When is the last time a down to earth hottie such as herself made you drain your balls? How long did you have to think about that answer? If it was less than a second, it’s been too long. Head on over to where all this action takes place. Make sure you bookmark her cam as well. Your balls are going to be aching a lot now that you’ve been introduced to her. They’ll beg you to come and get a little piece of the action. You won’t need to spend all day long with her. She’ll take care of you in record time. You’ll be left wondering how you ever managed to bust a nut without her.
A girl with tattoos such as her is wild. You know that. There’s no doubting that at all. You just can’t see how wild. All of that will change when you spend some quality time with her. Pull up a comfortable chair and get to know this cutie. Tell her exactly what you want to do. Don’t hold back in the slightest. Make sure that she fully understands how dirty you want this to be.
PIMP YOUR DESKTOP with Alis's sexy wallpaper.
Alis's Guestbook
Absolutely! ♥_♥ Here's 80 hearts to salute the 80's. :)
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The best event of yesterday: Back to the 80’s with Alis!
Love to see such a news on my wall :**
Thank you so much Petra :**
Thank you to all guys, who found a time to be on my event ;))
I enjoyed it too :)**
Thank you so much Petra :**
Thank you to all guys, who found a time to be on my event ;))
I enjoyed it too :)**
Applause for the 'Best event of the week' winner! Congratulations, Alis :)
The best event of yesterday: Taste of Hawaii! By Alis
Pacing back and forth, a man was getting really anxious about his imminent operation.
His wife asked him: "What's the matter? Why are you getting so worked up?"
He replied: "I heard one of the nurses say 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure you'll be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you," said his wife. "What's so frightening about that?"
"She was talking to the surgeon!"
His wife asked him: "What's the matter? Why are you getting so worked up?"
He replied: "I heard one of the nurses say 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure you'll be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you," said his wife. "What's so frightening about that?"
"She was talking to the surgeon!"
♥
The best event of yesterday: Sign of spring, by Alis!
Den :D ♥
There was this little boy who went to a Catholic school in Michigan. One day at school he went to a nun and said, "I would like to have a brand red bicycle."
The nun said, "Before you go to bed tonight when you get on your knees, ask God if you can have a brand new red bicycle."
So that night the little boy got on his knees and said, "God, if you will give me a brand new bicycle I will be good for 6 months. Amen."
He got into bed and thought to himself, "Man, there is no way I can be good for 6 months!"
So he got back on his knees and said, "God, I will be good for 6 weeks if you will get me a new red bicycle."
Then he got back in bed and thought to himself, "There is no way I can be good for 6 whole weeks!"
So he got back on his knees and said, "Okay God, I will be good for 6 days if you will just get me a brand new red bicycle!"
Well, he got back in bed and laid there for several minutes, thinking. Then he looked out the window and saw the statue of the Virgin Mary in his backyard. He got up took his sheets off the bed, walked outside to the statue, put his sheets around it, walked back inside, and then put the statue under his bed.
He said, "Okay, God, if you ever want to see your mother again, you will get me a brand new red bicycle."
The nun said, "Before you go to bed tonight when you get on your knees, ask God if you can have a brand new red bicycle."
So that night the little boy got on his knees and said, "God, if you will give me a brand new bicycle I will be good for 6 months. Amen."
He got into bed and thought to himself, "Man, there is no way I can be good for 6 months!"
So he got back on his knees and said, "God, I will be good for 6 weeks if you will get me a new red bicycle."
Then he got back in bed and thought to himself, "There is no way I can be good for 6 whole weeks!"
So he got back on his knees and said, "Okay God, I will be good for 6 days if you will just get me a brand new red bicycle!"
Well, he got back in bed and laid there for several minutes, thinking. Then he looked out the window and saw the statue of the Virgin Mary in his backyard. He got up took his sheets off the bed, walked outside to the statue, put his sheets around it, walked back inside, and then put the statue under his bed.
He said, "Okay, God, if you ever want to see your mother again, you will get me a brand new red bicycle."
Thank you so much ♥
I very much appreciate this ♥
♥
I very much appreciate this ♥
♥
Congratulations, Alis, for winning the 1st place in The Incredibles sticker contest!
bassie74 ♥ and Bedazzled ♥
Thank you so much to you both ♥
kiss, kiss ♥
Thank you so much to you both ♥
kiss, kiss ♥
Ohh for fck sake, admins please make emojis work in comments, lmao!
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ :*
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ :*
?????????
the true queen of this site,
you are verry special
you are verry special
The best event of yesterday: Touch of Spain! By Alis :)
The best event of yesterday: Funny Easter, by Alis!
Take care, Alis!
:D :D :D
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room at a doctor’s office and approached the desk.
The young receptionist asked, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my penis’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.’
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ replied the man.
‘You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something,’ came back the annoyed receptionist.
Wanting to teach the old man a lesson, she suggested, ‘Why don’t you leave the room, come back again and do this the right way.’ The man turned around, walked out, and came back again after a moment.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated loudly.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had learned the lesson.
‘What is wrong with your ear, Sir?’ she asked.
‘I can’t pee out of it,’ he replied.
The young receptionist asked, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my penis’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.’
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ replied the man.
‘You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something,’ came back the annoyed receptionist.
Wanting to teach the old man a lesson, she suggested, ‘Why don’t you leave the room, come back again and do this the right way.’ The man turned around, walked out, and came back again after a moment.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated loudly.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had learned the lesson.
‘What is wrong with your ear, Sir?’ she asked.
‘I can’t pee out of it,’ he replied.
The best event of Friday: My happy birthday! By Alis :)
Congratulations!!
Congratulations!!
Thank you guys all, who found a time to come and see me, and wish me happy birthday
I appreciate it
You made me smile
Self respect goes first
Thank you for bringing that ray of sunshine in my room
I appreciate it
You made me smile
Self respect goes first
Thank you for bringing that ray of sunshine in my room
A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the exam was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor said, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
When the exam was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor said, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”
“And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.
“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the department manager.
“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.
“Simple,” said the department manager, “Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”
“And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.
“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the department manager.
“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.
“Simple,” said the department manager, “Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed, I knew 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT” He didn’t seem suspicious in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh crap!’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed, I knew 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT” He didn’t seem suspicious in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh crap!’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
The best event of yesterday: Ancient Egypt, with Alis!
A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
The other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.” So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
“Great”, he said! “Just great!” The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!
“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing . . . “
“What’s that?”
“Did you fart yet?”
“No . . . ”
“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix.”
The other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.” So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
“Great”, he said! “Just great!” The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!
“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing . . . “
“What’s that?”
“Did you fart yet?”
“No . . . ”
“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix.”
There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each (you get the picture)
The first blonde says, “I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat.” With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.
The second blonde says, “I need to get off this island, I need a jetski.” With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.
The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says,” Just give me a million dollars, I’ll take the bridge.”
The first blonde says, “I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat.” With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.
The second blonde says, “I need to get off this island, I need a jetski.” With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.
The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says,” Just give me a million dollars, I’ll take the bridge.”
Today, let's applaud Alis, the winner of best event last week! :)
The best event of Friday: Avatar! By Alis :)
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out!!!”
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out!!!”
Two hunters were dragging their recently slain deer through the snow back to their truck. Each one had a grip on a rear leg.
As they passed by an old Indian, he commented that the deer would pull a lot easier if they pulled it by the front legs because of the direction that the deer’s hair lays.
So the hunters each began pulling by the front legs.
About 20 minutes later, one of them says, “Boy! This is a lot easier.”
The other one replies, “Yes, but we sure are getting a lot farther from the truck!”
As they passed by an old Indian, he commented that the deer would pull a lot easier if they pulled it by the front legs because of the direction that the deer’s hair lays.
So the hunters each began pulling by the front legs.
About 20 minutes later, one of them says, “Boy! This is a lot easier.”
The other one replies, “Yes, but we sure are getting a lot farther from the truck!”
A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer: “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
A preacher notorious for his lengthy sermons, watched as a man got up and left halfway through his message. The same man returned just before the finish.
Afterward, the preacher asked him where he had gone.
“I went to get a haircut,” said the man.
“Why didn’t you go before the service?” asked the preacher.
“I didn’t need one then!”
Afterward, the preacher asked him where he had gone.
“I went to get a haircut,” said the man.
“Why didn’t you go before the service?” asked the preacher.
“I didn’t need one then!”
The best event of yesterday: Touch of satin, by Alis!
Omg Den :D
You are winner with this joke :)
And you yourself know why :* :* :*
You are winner with this joke :)
And you yourself know why :* :* :*
A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
A funeral procession made its way down the road. Six close members of the family were carrying the coffin between them. On top of the coffin was a fishing line, a net, and some bait.
A passer-by remarked: “He must’ve been a very keen fisherman.”
“Oh, he still is,” remarked a mourner “He’s off to the river as soon as they’ve buried his wife.”
A passer-by remarked: “He must’ve been a very keen fisherman.”
“Oh, he still is,” remarked a mourner “He’s off to the river as soon as they’ve buried his wife.”
Congratulations, Alis! You are our February 2022 babe :) Wohooo
A Mexican woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”
“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”
The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?”
Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.”
The woman pauses a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.”
“Anything, my child.”
“Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”
“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”
The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?”
Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.”
The woman pauses a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.”
“Anything, my child.”
“Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?
A young couple on their wedding night was in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
Well said, Alis! ♥
Peace to all world now and always! ♥
Glory to Ukraine! Slava Ukraini! ♥
Peace to all world now and always! ♥
Glory to Ukraine! Slava Ukraini! ♥
To all dear people here ♥
War always happens...
Sometimes further, sometimes closer, sometimes in your own country... but it always happens.. And it's very scary..
Also I kindly ask you not to judge one person, because she/he comes from particular country...
Experiencing today very awkward question - if I am russian and what I think about my country... would be innocent question, but not in situations like this and not from someone I do not know at all..
No, I am not Russian! But what if I would be..?
There is so many who does not want any of this to happen no matters what nationality they are, you cannot judge book by it's cover.
You have no idea what anyone deals in personal life..
No matters where we come from we need to spread more love, peace and true friendship..
Also support your girls who are offline now, because they are having very hard times...
Send them offline tips, cannot support with tips.. Send something nice by spreading kindness with words.. Kind words really does not cost anything..
Pray for peace ♥ Pray for peaceful World ♥
War always happens...
Sometimes further, sometimes closer, sometimes in your own country... but it always happens.. And it's very scary..
Also I kindly ask you not to judge one person, because she/he comes from particular country...
Experiencing today very awkward question - if I am russian and what I think about my country... would be innocent question, but not in situations like this and not from someone I do not know at all..
No, I am not Russian! But what if I would be..?
There is so many who does not want any of this to happen no matters what nationality they are, you cannot judge book by it's cover.
You have no idea what anyone deals in personal life..
No matters where we come from we need to spread more love, peace and true friendship..
Also support your girls who are offline now, because they are having very hard times...
Send them offline tips, cannot support with tips.. Send something nice by spreading kindness with words.. Kind words really does not cost anything..
Pray for peace ♥ Pray for peaceful World ♥
The best event of Friday: Little Mermaid Alis!
Pray for peace
this is a good joke ;)
Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn’t working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was.
The husband replied: “In the five weeks that we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on a single thing.”
The judge turned to the wife: “Have you anything to say?”
She answered: “It’s been six weeks, your honor.”
The husband replied: “In the five weeks that we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on a single thing.”
The judge turned to the wife: “Have you anything to say?”
She answered: “It’s been six weeks, your honor.”
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, “Great. He’s four and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”
The man thought to himself, “Great. He’s four and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”
The best event of yesterday: Coraline! By Alis :)
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle, it makes your nose look too short.”
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle, it makes your nose look too short.”
Thank you Petra ♥♥♥
Thank you to all my friends who took part in this ♥♥♥
I truly appreciate this ♥
Thank you to all my friends who took part in this ♥♥♥
I truly appreciate this ♥
We congratulate our beautiful Alis for winning 1st place in the Valentine sticker contest!
♥♥♥
A man, desperate to get married after looking for a year and tight on money, finally decides to publish a matrimonial in the local daily.
Not willing to spend too much on the ad, he decides to keep it short. “Urgently needed – one odd wife.” is what his ad said.
The next day he received 459 responses, each saying the same thing-: “Take mine. Will deliver for no extra charge.”
Not willing to spend too much on the ad, he decides to keep it short. “Urgently needed – one odd wife.” is what his ad said.
The next day he received 459 responses, each saying the same thing-: “Take mine. Will deliver for no extra charge.”
:D :D XxX
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
The best event of yesterday: Miss lil Valentine Alis!
respect, Honor, Integrity, Hospitality, and generosity of human love compassion, and peace Alis! For you always and everyone The best in happiness!
You are Welcome Alis and a pleasure to have been here today!
I am so happy you liked XxX
Thank you so much to you too ;) xXx
Thank you so much to you too ;) xXx
Your Cupid valentine event was Awesome Thank you !
The best event of yesterday: Tinkerbell! By Alis :)
Omg awww Andy :* :D
Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”
“Don’t worry,” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, and then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! And fake an asthma attack.”
So that night, Andy knocks at Shirley’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”
“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”
“Don’t worry,” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, and then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! And fake an asthma attack.”
So that night, Andy knocks at Shirley’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”
Thank you XxX
Have a good day Alis!
Another day with funny joke :D
Thanks Den :) :*
Thanks Den :) :*
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam’s approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. “You can’t do this! I’ll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!”
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, “Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?”
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam’s approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. “You can’t do this! I’ll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!”
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, “Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?”
♥ Tony
You deserve it ♥
You deserve it ♥
Thank you! You are very kind and understanding :)
Good one ;) :D
The Hodja (a teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her. She shook her head and told him she didn’t have any money with her.
“No problem,” the Hodja grinned. “You can pay me later.” She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.
“Oh no, I can’t, I’m fasting,” she responded.
“Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!”
“Yes, well, I missed a day and I’m making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives.”
“Forget it!” shouted the Hodja. “If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed Allah, who knows when you’ll get around to paying me!”
“No problem,” the Hodja grinned. “You can pay me later.” She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.
“Oh no, I can’t, I’m fasting,” she responded.
“Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!”
“Yes, well, I missed a day and I’m making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives.”
“Forget it!” shouted the Hodja. “If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed Allah, who knows when you’ll get around to paying me!”
Thank you for lovely compliment Tony XxX
I love your sweet tender whisper to my ears . Big Hugs and many kisses, Thank you, and greatly appreciate your kindness and your heart!
i'm staying put until I see you ! :)
;)
;)
;)
;)
Den, thank you so much for jokes on my wall XxX
This keeps me going XxX
This keeps me going XxX
After being married for 50 years, a man took a careful look at his wife and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junky car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But every night, I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now, we have a $750,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed, and an 80-inch flat-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old saggy woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
After a moment of pause, the wife replied, “Why don’t you go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and I will make sure that you would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”
After a moment of pause, the wife replied, “Why don’t you go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and I will make sure that you would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop.
“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”
“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Let’s see you do it.”
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!
“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”
“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Let’s see you do it.”
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!
:D Did not expected this to turn out like that, when I started to read ;)
One evening, a young lady, who lived on 23rd Street in Manhattan, discovered that her toilet was clogged. Since she has never dealt with this issue before, nor did she even have a plunger at home, she called the plumber whose number she saw on one of the ads in the subway. He claimed to be able to unclog any pipe and go where no plumber went before.
At the appointed time, the plumber showed up with a helper. He inspected the toilet and asked his helper for the simple snake. When that failed, he asked for the special toilet pump in size 1. When he used it, he realized the clog needed a much larger tool and asked for a pump in size 2, then 3, and then 4. When all failed, he decided to skip right to size 10.
The young lady got worried and exclaimed, “10? I don’t want you to destroy my toilet, just unclog it.”
The plumber assured her not to worry and said the size was just based on the size of the item that was causing the clog. He started the pump and after a few seconds, he saw an item show up in the toilet. At first he thought it was just a large hair ball, but when he pulled it out, he realized it was a whole person! He asked the young man:
“What the heck are you doing here?”
“Me???” exclaimed the man, “What the heck are YOU doing? I was just trying to take a crap at my apartment on 24th Street when I got pulled in.”
At the appointed time, the plumber showed up with a helper. He inspected the toilet and asked his helper for the simple snake. When that failed, he asked for the special toilet pump in size 1. When he used it, he realized the clog needed a much larger tool and asked for a pump in size 2, then 3, and then 4. When all failed, he decided to skip right to size 10.
The young lady got worried and exclaimed, “10? I don’t want you to destroy my toilet, just unclog it.”
The plumber assured her not to worry and said the size was just based on the size of the item that was causing the clog. He started the pump and after a few seconds, he saw an item show up in the toilet. At first he thought it was just a large hair ball, but when he pulled it out, he realized it was a whole person! He asked the young man:
“What the heck are you doing here?”
“Me???” exclaimed the man, “What the heck are YOU doing? I was just trying to take a crap at my apartment on 24th Street when I got pulled in.”
Oh my goodness ;) and why I did not catch you by the toe heheh
;) :) :p
;)
A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate. An Ivy League university decided to have a detailed study conducted in the town to shed some light on the causes of this phenomenon. Sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists, and various professors moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study.
The day the research was to begin, the director of this extensive project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee.
When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, “Can you give me an idea as to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?”
The waiter thought a moment, then said, “I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the morning express train comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it’s too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up.”
The day the research was to begin, the director of this extensive project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee.
When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, “Can you give me an idea as to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?”
The waiter thought a moment, then said, “I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the morning express train comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it’s too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up.”
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… On any land… No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?” The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs: “Your badge! Show him your badge!!”
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… On any land… No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?” The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs: “Your badge! Show him your badge!!”
oh dear :D
At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.
“But I don’t know how to pray,” he replied.
“Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.,” said his father.
“Okay”, the boy said. “Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again. Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy’s iPhone. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom’s room when Daddy is at work. Amen”
“But I don’t know how to pray,” he replied.
“Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.,” said his father.
“Okay”, the boy said. “Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again. Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy’s iPhone. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom’s room when Daddy is at work. Amen”
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath…
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Chip and Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog crap!’ Then I would say, ‘It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’ I used the government approach of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.”
Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath…
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Chip and Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog crap!’ Then I would say, ‘It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’ I used the government approach of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.”
The best event of yesterday: ROAR! By Alis :)
The husband had just finished reading a new book titled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterward, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterward, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”
:D
I took my wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large; break dancing, moonwalking, backflips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
“Looks like he’s still celebrating!!” I replied.
My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
“Looks like he’s still celebrating!!” I replied.
An old U.S. Army Veteran arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport, a stern French customs agent asked if he had been to France before. He admitted that he had indeed been here previously. The lady sarcastically said, “Then you should know to have your passport out and ready, Sir.”
The gentleman said “I didn’t have to show it last time.”
“Impossible!” the customs agent exclaimed. “All foreigners have always had to show a passport to enter the country.”
The man responded in a low tone, “Well when I came ashore on the beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn’t find any damn Frenchmen to show it to!”
The gentleman said “I didn’t have to show it last time.”
“Impossible!” the customs agent exclaimed. “All foreigners have always had to show a passport to enter the country.”
The man responded in a low tone, “Well when I came ashore on the beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn’t find any damn Frenchmen to show it to!”
Blonde was smarter ;)
A Redneck finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.’
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, ‘And what about your other two wishes?’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Give me two more just like this one!’
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, ‘And what about your other two wishes?’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Give me two more just like this one!’
:D You killing with those jokes Den hehehe :D
A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest is silent for a moment and then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face.”
The priest is silent for a moment and then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face.”
The husband had an annoying habit of searching through the refrigerator for a snack, usually while his wife was preparing a meal.
Once, after he had gone through this routine for the third time in as many minutes, she snapped, “Nothing’s any different than it was a minute ago.”
“I know that,” he assured her. “It’s just that this time I’ve lowered my standards
Once, after he had gone through this routine for the third time in as many minutes, she snapped, “Nothing’s any different than it was a minute ago.”
“I know that,” he assured her. “It’s just that this time I’ve lowered my standards
Tony thank you so much ;) And mucho love straight back to you too hehe ;)
Den! And what a smart blonde ;)
Den! And what a smart blonde ;)
There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.
The lawyer fires his first question “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked the lawyer “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?” The lawyer’s face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00. The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word.
The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, “Well, what is the answer?”
The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
The lawyer fires his first question “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked the lawyer “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?” The lawyer’s face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00. The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word.
The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, “Well, what is the answer?”
The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
You are on a roll Alis !!!! Congrats again on Best Event. You continue to amaze me. Mucho Love!
The best event of yesterday: UltraViolet, by Alis!
:D :D :D
After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
“Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto the weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD!”…………..A scream then silence followed.
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you, while I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”.
One angry passenger yelled, “Oh for Pete’s sake, you should see the back of mine!!!
“Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto the weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD!”…………..A scream then silence followed.
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you, while I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”.
One angry passenger yelled, “Oh for Pete’s sake, you should see the back of mine!!!
A man was walking down the street. All of a sudden he heard a loud voice say “Stop! Stand Still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was crossing the road. Once again, the voice shouted “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the heck were you when I got married?”
He went on, and after a while he was crossing the road. Once again, the voice shouted “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the heck were you when I got married?”
Tony thank you so much XxX And thank you for enjoying my events :)
Den, I think it's Bob's last anniversary hahaha ;) :P
Den, I think it's Bob's last anniversary hahaha ;) :P
Oh, Alis Congrats on the Best event in December. Hugs and Kisses!!!!
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset and she told him: “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!!!”
The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, bringing the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale with a note from Bob: “Happy Anniversary, Darling! I hope it’s the model you wished for.”
The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, bringing the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale with a note from Bob: “Happy Anniversary, Darling! I hope it’s the model you wished for.”
Oh, oh!
Thank you Petra for news ;) XxX
And guys... Well thank you all the most XxX kisses ;)
Thank you Petra for news ;) XxX
And guys... Well thank you all the most XxX kisses ;)
Oh, deer! Alis has won the best event of December title :) Congratulations!
:D :D :D
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mable answered, “I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
Mable answered, “I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
Tony :* Indeed heavenly bodies and beautiful minds :* ;)
And Den hahahahah :D xXx
And Den hahahahah :D xXx
“Hello?”
“Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn’t moving either.”
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”
“Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn’t moving either.”
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”
My Sweet Angel Alis! Congrats on the Best Event !!! A Wonderful touch of Heavenly Bodies and Beautiful Minds ;)
The best event of yesterday: Touch of heaven, by Alis!
You are very welcome Alis ;)
Tony this is really nice to read :)
thank you so much
I appreciate it :*
thank you so much
I appreciate it :*
You are truly an Angel from the Heavens of Paradise Alis! Your event was an Inspiration with wings !!!! Hugs and Kisses!!!
Thank you Den hehehe XxXxX
A blonde goes for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?”
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, “Ehhhh … 22!”
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, “Five foot two!”
This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. “And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?”
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, “Mandy!”
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, “Just out of curiosity, Miss. I can understand you counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when I asked you your name?’
“Ohh that!”, replies the blonde, “That’s just me running through ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…”
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, “Ehhhh … 22!”
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, “Five foot two!”
This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. “And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?”
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, “Mandy!”
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, “Just out of curiosity, Miss. I can understand you counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when I asked you your name?’
“Ohh that!”, replies the blonde, “That’s just me running through ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…”
Thank you :) Sometimes I get lucky :) xXx
Congrats Alis, my goodness you must have had a heck of a lot of Christmas stickers !!!
♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥❤♥
❤_❤
❤_❤
My dear men!
I am a little bit out of words here hehehe
But you know I could not possibly be naughty on my own ;)
So thank you so much all of you :*
Truly thank you ;)
Thank you Petra ;)
I hope Aleks you had lovely New Year's eve too :*
And Lingerie ;) These "??" makes it even better hehehe it's like you askine me - how about happy and healthy New Year?? hehehe
And I say Yes yes yes :*
Thanks to everyone :*
I am a little bit out of words here hehehe
But you know I could not possibly be naughty on my own ;)
So thank you so much all of you :*
Truly thank you ;)
Thank you Petra ;)
I hope Aleks you had lovely New Year's eve too :*
And Lingerie ;) These "??" makes it even better hehehe it's like you askine me - how about happy and healthy New Year?? hehehe
And I say Yes yes yes :*
Thanks to everyone :*
Congratulations, Alis, on winning the Naughty List sticker contest!
Seems smileys don't work... :D but anyway Happy New year! :) :*
Happy and healthy New Year 2022, Alis! ? ?
Have a lovely New Years Alis
Happy New Year to all the lovely people here :)
Thank you for all the talk, fun and just simply incedible time :*
I wish warmth in your hearts, a table full with food and peaceful feeling in your minds!
Thank you for everything!
Bring it on 2022 :*
Thank you for all the talk, fun and just simply incedible time :*
I wish warmth in your hearts, a table full with food and peaceful feeling in your minds!
Thank you for everything!
Bring it on 2022 :*
Tony! It makes me happy you like them :) xXx
Best tail of tales from the forest of magic and love!
Merry Christmas to everyone :) x
I hope this time of year will be nice and peaceful xx
And love will be all around you :) x
Thank you so much for all surprises I received and all the good times :)
Be blessed guys xxx
With love Ali xXx
I hope this time of year will be nice and peaceful xx
And love will be all around you :) x
Thank you so much for all surprises I received and all the good times :)
Be blessed guys xxx
With love Ali xXx
The best event of yesterday: Magic in the forest, by Alis
Oh, yes! I am so glad for such a news :) Thank you Petra XxX And I am so happy that, you guys, enjoyed xXx I appreciate this :) XxX
Oh, deer!! Alis is the winner of the best event of the week title :) Congratulations! She is the loveliest reindeer we've ever seen :)
The best event of yesterday: Oh, deer! By Alis :)
Oh my goodness Tony xX I was worried something crazy has happened to you xXx be back and tell me all
I miss you too Alis !!! Hope to see you soon and oh my the expression you have as your cover photo of Vegetariana. Take me! Hugs and Kisses !!!
The best event of yesterday: Snowwild! By Alis
The best event of yesterday: Super Alis!
Oh, Octopussy :*
Thank you dear for your thoughts ;) xXx
Thank you dear for your thoughts ;) xXx
Congratulations, you deserve it darling Alis ))
Thanks so much Petra for adorable news :) x
To all lovely men.. ;)
Thank you so much for your votes :)
I appreciate it ;)
Was such a successful and happy week for me :*
Thanks to everyone ;)
Kisses xxxxx
To all lovely men.. ;)
Thank you so much for your votes :)
I appreciate it ;)
Was such a successful and happy week for me :*
Thanks to everyone ;)
Kisses xxxxx
Congratulations, Alis, on winning the Best Event Of The Week title! :)
The best event of yesterday: The Devil Wears Prada, by Alis!
The best event of yesterday: Pure dream, by Alis!
The best event of yesterday: Delicious flower girl Alis!
♥
♥_♥
Pssst my dear guys ;) Cover me in flowers :) I will be your flower girl for whole week and maybe more ;) ;) ;)
Thank you Bedazzled and Den my dear guys :) so nice to see these messages on my wall :* I have a big smile on my face
I hope your finger heals soon. Take care.
Oh right, I forgot emojis don't worry in comments.. Lmao.. Please don't mind all the question marks.
Aww my Aliii.. Blessings to you and you finger, may you have a speedy recovery. ????
Hey, hey to all you lovely people who visit me :)
As some of you might have heard I injured my finger, a little bit painful, but I will be all good ;)
So for next two weeks I will try to make a speedy recovery ;) (well that's time I needed as I have a little procedure on my finger :))
Also I would like to apologize I did not made it on event on Friday 01.10 :) I got to cancel it!
I will be back after two weeks and keep going with events :)
And if you would like to cheer me up! Please, be welcome to get something for me from Wishlist :) That would definitely make me smile :)
On my Wishlist there is different things and different prices :)
I cannot wait to be back and share my smile with you guys :* :* :*
With love Alis
As some of you might have heard I injured my finger, a little bit painful, but I will be all good ;)
So for next two weeks I will try to make a speedy recovery ;) (well that's time I needed as I have a little procedure on my finger :))
Also I would like to apologize I did not made it on event on Friday 01.10 :) I got to cancel it!
I will be back after two weeks and keep going with events :)
And if you would like to cheer me up! Please, be welcome to get something for me from Wishlist :) That would definitely make me smile :)
On my Wishlist there is different things and different prices :)
I cannot wait to be back and share my smile with you guys :* :* :*
With love Alis
Thank you Petra so much ;) Thank to everyone who liked this show :*
The best event of yesterday: Sexy chick Alis!
I definitely like when you are in my room :) Hope your day is well :* was nice to see you :)
I definitely want to come see you.
The best event of yesterday: Honey! By Alis
The best event of yesterday: Big bad wolf! By Alis
The best event of yesterday: Laa-laa! By Alis
Oh My Wow Look at what I am missing kick my arse ! I shall return !!!! Miss you Hugs and Kisses !
Thank you :* And I am gladfully taking all those thousand kisses hehehe hugs baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack :*
I just saw that you won Best Event of the Month with Jasmine . Thousand kisses !!!!!!!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX and hugs too OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Thanks to everyone a lot XxX
Alis won the Best event of June title with her ‘Aladdin's Princess Jasmine’ event. Congratulations!
Alis Congrats another Best Event !!!!!! Shooting Stars and Cosmic Congratulations!!!!!
Tony your words made my day :) So sweet to read something like this :) x Thank you Petra ;)
The best event of yesterday: The 5th element, by Alis!
Alis you are all of my elements of the stars, that so arouses my essence to the 5th moments of smyphonies playing heaven songs of inspirations My body still tingles for you !!!!!
I am glad you liked Tony ;) :* Thank you Petra :*
The best event of yesterday: Milky! By Alis :)
I had a few thouhgts in mind when I heard "Milky"Event I never Imagine such a lovely "Moo suculent great time "
Thank you Tony ;) Me naughty? Says you hehehe ;) :* :* :*
Congrats on no panties day you naughty woman ! Your are my starry heaven !
Thank you Petra :* Very happy ;) thanks to all Sweetie Pie's who sent those stickers to me ;) :*
Congratulations on winning the 3rd place in our “Drop Your Panties Here” sticker contest :)
Thank you so much dear Gman for kind note :) kisses and hugs back :* :*
Congratulations sweetheart my friend on being in 3rd place in the “No Panty” Day Contest Yesterday. Great Job. :). Kisses and hugs to you. Take care.
‘Aladdin's Princess Jasmine show is the weekly event winner. Congratulations, Alis!
Thanks Tony for kind words :* Thank you Petra :*
The best event of Friday: Alis as princess Jasmine!
Oh my Best tip award toda!!!! You Rock Alis !!!!!!
Jasmine Oh Alis your my favorite and only Princess for me !!!!!
Congrats on MOTM Yeah Alis
The best event of yesterday: Yes, sir! By Alis!
Thanks my dear :* :*
Great job sweetheart and Congratulations on Best Event Of The Month for May:) You are a Cheeky Winner.:)
Thank you dear Tony :* :*
Congrats Alis on both Event wins Lovely racing with you and your healing was awesome ! Hugs and Kisses !
Thank you Petra :) x I am a little surprised on this very sunny Monday :) Gentleman thank you for votes :) Pleasant surprise xxx
Let's applaud the winner of the 'best event of the moth May', our racing babe Alis!!! WOHOOO
The best event of yesterday: Sexual healing, by Alis!
Thank you so much for that :* :*
I love showering you in stickers Congrats on the Sticker contest Alis!!!!
Thanks so much Petra for lovely news :* Biggest thanks to all the lovely gentlemen :) :* Gman, thank you so much for kind words ;) :*
Congratulations with the 2nd place in the Free Willy sticker contest, Alis! :)
Yay! Congratulations Beautiful Friend Alis for Winning Best Event of The Week! Nice job sweetheart. Take Care. Great Cheeky Win:)
Welcome the racing babe Alis, the winner of the week. Alis won with her ‘Race with me’ show, fast & furious & so much sexy fun! :)
Walty ;) here is picture of my butt for you ;) Check it out and slide in hehehe ;)
Congratulations Alis on Best Event This Past Friday! Great win.kiss u and hug u! Cheeky Style. Hehe
Hehe Thank you Petra :) And thanks to gentlemen ;) XxX
Start your engines, gentlemen! The best event of yesterday is 'Race with me', by Alis!
Oh My Alis Purple I am so aroused! You are passionately explosive !!!!!
Yeah Tony the tiger says Alis is his favorite trigris!!!!! Congrats Alis!!!
Congratulations Darling, Well Deserved! xXx
The “best event of the month” title goes to our colorful Alis, for her ‘Orange’ event. Congratulations!
The best event of yesterday: Brown! By colorful Alis :)
Goddess!
damn thats a pumpkin, ready to bite
Alis is the winner of the 'Best event of the week' title. Congratulations!!
I think your recent Event was on a Friday? Congratulations on Best Event this past Friday :)
Hi Beautiful Alis! Congratulations On Best Event of the Week last week and Best Event this past Saturday! I am Happy For you!???. Take care!?
The best event of yesterday: Orange, by Alis!
Oh Wow Alis MOTM Big Kisses and Hugs oh so yummy!!!!
Congratulations Ms. A for having Best Event on April 16th! It was great to support you and see you at this Event! Take care many kisses for u
The best event of yesterday: Pink! By Alis
Thanks to everyone who wished me "Happy Birthday" :) It was truly sweet day for me :) Kisses xxx
Hehehe I certainly do ;)
The best event of yesterday: Blue! By Alis. Loving the color themes shows, don't you? :)
Hello,everyone :) I hope you are having peaceful Easter :) I do :) And I hope you all have a chance to spend it with your loved ones :) Your Alis. XxX Kisses XxX
We have a winner – hurray! Alis won the 'Best event of February' title, let's celebrate :)
Congratulations on Best Event for the month of February Alis (Ms. A)❤️ Great Job??
Congratulations Ms. A.❤️ On Model of The Month for February! I am very Happy for you about this recognition! Well deserved for such a beautiful and nice young Woman you are! You also have a Great personality and heart too! Take care and Great Job.??. Your friend Walter with lots of Love for you
Wow Congratulations on February Model of the Month! Love ya and real need to be with ya soon ! :p
Lovely Alis is our February 2021 babe! Conratulations!!! :)
The best event of yesterday: Black! By Alis.
Congrats Alis, much deserved
Best event last week: 'White' with Alis!
I have so miss your delightful events so teasing so provacative, they make me throb from my heart to my crotch ! Kisses Alis !!!
Congratulations Ms. A. Well Deserved!?❤️ I hope you are doing well. I miss you ?
Thank you guys so much :* I don't know how to thank enough to all of you who sent me love on Valentines week :* I am very happy :*
Happy Valentines day my lovely men :) :* I hope love is all around you in every day, in every step you take :) If not, do not worry I have enough love for everyone :*
I hope your day is going by well :) Yes, or not you are always welcome in my room and I hope to make you feel much better :)
Hey everyone ;) Just wanted to let you know :) that you everyday is going by well ;) and if not my room is open for you :*
???
;) ;) ;)
Thanks sweetheart for the response and. Your welcome sweet Alis
oh Walter thank you ;) and miss me? ;) you know where to find me :* Always welcome here
Walter loves your New profile pictures Very Sexy. Take care and I miss you ?
oh my gosh Donkey :* AlisCares
Alis cares!
"sweet adventurous caring sociable sensitive romantic passionate independent confident flexible in mind"